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ago. Womans body, womans choice, womans child, NEVER is it the mans child. But instead, she rushed into a new relationship with some new guy, got pregnant, and appeared completely irresponsible. But I guess I looked at it a lot like a woman adopting a baby alone would. We are so in love with eachother and are with eachother all the time. Where the issue comes in is who physically is around the child more, which is placement, which though there has been progress tends to err on the side of the mother still, with all other things being equal. So for someone I love and care deeply about, its enjoyable. If the woman is not required to support a child The law provides that the parent taking care of the child is entitled to support from the other parent. Youre more than welcome. The argument is that Im on birth control. is not the same as I will not get pregnant from this sexual encounter. You know how babies are made. female Your body, your choice; however, your choice, your problem. Its unfortunate that he may potentially be a life-long relationship as parents with this woman, in addition to the legal responsibilities for the child, but any 40 year old man knows that is a potential risk. Regret can feel even worse than heartbreak. We do live in a world where your opinion on one thing may not in fact be the most correct or perhaps their might even be two sides, both reasonable and rational positions to take. If its not easy and its not what one wants, opt out of it. The primary relationship in someones life is allowed to (and should) remain the primary relationship, even after the later appearance of children. If she does your boyfriend will deal with the aftermath of having sex without a condom. So the system is very one sided. iseeshiny Of all the methods, IV drug use is the most effective. However, RR, Ill assume that every time youve ever had sex, it has been with someone you wanted in your like as a co-parent and that it was at a time in your life that a child would have been welcomed. And, like an immature asshole, he decides he doesnt want to own up to his responsibility. Seriously? Men AND women both have decided, well after-the-fact, that no babies is better than having babies. But coke didnt mean for its bottle to explode and take your arm off either. April 12, 2012, 2:47 am. I wont go into the reasons they came to this, (very long, and quite personal, story), but its entirely possible that if a women gets pregnant and decides to keep the baby though the father would prefer she abort, he DOES have the option to waive his parental rights and duties to the child and thus not be legally responsible for child support. Because he should have known she could have gotten pregnant! I dont think anyones saying that. I think its pretty unfair that women have the choice to abort or not, and the man gets no say in that, not really. Bottom line. Its been done and will continue to be done, as long as accidents, divorce, and death happen. Susie is lost. Its not a gender-based law. Since most of the people here seem to be pretty strong advocates of womens right to choose, to be treated equally, and so on and I agree with those stances it seems backwards, odd, and a double standard to say that men need to be financially responsible if the woman decides he should be and that they should have no say whatsoever in that. First of all, it can take a bad psychological toll on someone who doesnt want to have it in the first place. Part of the agreement was they he was to never have any contact with the child. You and the baby are the victims. April 9, 2012, 12:17 pm. The court considers the psychological effects on the child before ordering support. But this doesnt mean that hes not scum. When I was on the pill, my ex boyfriend STILL used condoms to make sure it was safe. There is a massive difference between wanting a pregnancy to be terminated and deciding to have nothing to do with a child who has been born. 5) What bothers me more than anything is the LWs attitude. Im not arguing that he should be able to force an abortion. bittergaymark Well, I guess its good that you now know that you cant bear life without each other, but that seems a bit juvenile to me. April 9, 2012, 12:16 pm. Unbelievable I would like to believe that someone near my dads own age would have more sense than this. reader, yelyah77+, writes (16 April 2009): A Ive stayed away from this question because I honestly dont think I have a very well informed opinion on the matter. If the woman wants to have a child, then she can, but thats a decision she makes because its happening in her own body. Nothing about that makes him the definition of immature or of an asshole. Sure. He should get a damn vasectomy. Consider that this child should be the most important thing in his life, more important than you. Im questioning the inherent fairness of the law today. April 9, 2012, 9:16 pm. Your boyfriend is 40 effing years old. That is a WAY better scenario than I mentioned above which would be an in and out dad who pays zilch and really fucks the kids head up. the manchild gene!! I dont think I have ever seen so many thumbs up on one post And it deserves them! I get what youre saying. He said hes willing to give that support, he just wont be there to actually raise his future child. Have whatever sex you want. I simply had to chime in here as this is what I do for a living and so many people are sadly misinformed. And thats why I wouldnt want anything to do with him in the first place. The point you bring up here is why I cant wrap my head around one night stands. April 10, 2012, 11:45 am. She doesnt have to listen to him, but the concern at least needs to be addressed. She seems proud of his bad-boy ways and his current claim that she is the only woman who can tame him into marriage. April 9, 2012, 5:29 pm. 2. I totally understand. John Rohan Because you sound about 17. April 10, 2012, 5:30 pm. Mother hits hard times and ends up going on either Medicaid or Temporary Assistance/Welfare. And finally we see what youre doing ranting about paternity laws and mens rights on a relationship advice site. Model Mustang. Do you know how much day care alone is a month? He was there just as much as that woman was. Also who goes around talking about how he cant stand the mother of his child? Men dont have those choices if they dont want the child. Theyre both opposed to abortion but theyre being safe, right? If it's been a relatively short amount of time (it's all relative, but I like to say three months or less), since the breakup/last time he/she spoke with you Mileage 450. The pregnancy pulled you back from the brink. Does that change your opinion? April 9, 2012, 5:13 pm. Furthermore, dont tell me what to do with my body and I wont tell you what to do with yours, little girl. My sister has 3 birth control babies. Okay, Tim. It happens, no matter what precautions are taken, unless you opt out of sex. But you were split up for 2 months and cant bear to live without each other yet he didnt waste any time jumping into bed with someone he barely knows? Honestly, why would you want to put yourself in a permanent relationship who a) has encouraged his baby mommy to abort the child for the sake of convenience and 2) who has sex with people he cannot stand? bittergaymark That a woman has a right to choose if she carries a child to term or not should nor mean that she has a right to choose how a man spends his money for the next 18 years. Look, you broke up with him because your relationship had some problems, and because of trust issues, and his inability to commit to you. Hes so full of sh*t, I bet his eyes are brown. Ill bite. Fyrebyrd2 Interesting! And those rapists who raped them get the money? Whose idea was it to take a break anyway? CollegeCat Its very clear that you care a great deal about the quality of your childs life and emotional well-being. Going through a breakup can be tough.It can leave you feeling restless and struggling to fill the white space left behind by the relationship. And why do you think shes trying to trap him? April 10, 2012, 7:38 pm. Women have the discretion to assert paternity on a man, though he has limited rights to contest that paternity claim. That is pretty much it. Whatever the case, youre not adding to the discussion. My opinion is that we all know that it can happen whether youre on birth control or not. Not your wallet, not your choice. If its dude and hes a brain surgeon or something and shes a hot part-time bartender, his child support will be assessed at an amount that will put her in decent rent, a mercedes car payment and plenty left over for nice clothes and dining out, with an occasional weekend getaway thrown in the mix. evanscr05 No, he could be furious at the legal system that compelled it or at the woman (who, by the way, was equally culpable in the creation) who opts to continue with a child only she wants.. So long as he isnt raping people, who are you to say he has no right to have unprotected sex? lets_be_honest It means he or she will know their father, in a sense, and will also have the opportunity to believe that their father just simply didnt want to have anything to do with them. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Also he could argue in court that the EXs fiance has taken on the role of father and the child would be damaged to find out that the fiance is not really the father. But then again the child might be better off without such an jerk as a role model. And thats a double entendr. I see no reason why the mother in this scenario cannot be a great parent who can explain, in a way that doesnt hurt them or damage their self-worth, why they were put up for adoption [or only have one parent involved], SpaceySteph The fact that a child is adopted does not somehow guarantee the theyll be cared for. bittergaymark He doesnt have to have a romantic relatioship with her, but if she keeps the baby, and IF he is a real man, then this woman will be in his life for the rest of his, as the child is her child as well as his. Fine, Ill support you in raising the child, but Im not prepared to be a dad. Yes, it is the less than desirable course to take but he is, in a way, owning up to his responsibility (monetarily). And alimony is given to whichever spouse made less income, not women as a rule. He does have the right to change his mind about how involved hed like to be. Marriage to this woman would be the most stupid thing possible. Of course, there are adjustments to be made, but babies do not mean that all other relationships become secondary. Or until we decide to start a family.. I dont think anyone thinks hes an ass for having sex with someone after a split. And yes, women do use the laws to trap men into financing their lifestyle of choice (as a single mother). Fine. We got back together but he dragged her along through texts for a week until I found out. Blood is not everything. The key if you do decide to engage- keep it as civil and reasoned as possible. TheQuietOne April 9, 2012, 12:23 pm. *ETA: also, most of my comments on here are usually light-heardely dumbed down just to lighten the mood a little. Thats what responsible men who want to have sex with women and dont want children do. April 9, 2012, 9:56 pm. Francine Oops, it took so long that I thought my post was lost in space. The idea that he owes his life to her now that hes fathered her child is precisely the reason so many people are in unhappy marriages and there is such a high number of marital affairs. I just disagree that sexual preference has anything to do with how likely one is to use a condom all the time. But if Im going to have casual sex without proper protection, well then Id better damn well be prepared for the potential consequences. If women insist on compelling child support from the man, then dont whine if society insists that women support the child until birth. At the point where he had options he chose one that could result in a pregnancy. And, yes, he should be taking precautions against STDs because even if he never gets back with the LW, is he going to remain celibate for the rest of his life? It is my argument that only an ass would be furious at anyone other than himself when he becomes obligated to provide for a child that he created. Not exactly. Ill never in a million years get it. I think the hes a scum is more about not wanting anything to do with a child that he helped create and trying to brow beat this woman into having an abortion. Its a crappy scenarios but shit happens, and theres really nothing YOU can do about it. Consider that this child will be a drain on his resources, and possibly yours as well if you marry. Child support is, indeed, a lottery win for women, by which they compel men who had nothing to do with their lifestyle choices to support their lifestyle choices in the manner to which they have become accustomed. Can I just say that would bother me a lot. Its easier just to blame her and act like hes an innocent victim, but hes not. He hadnt. Youre the one asserting that its only one sex that experiences unfairness. I dont understand the level of anger sparked by this man not wanting to be physically involved in this childs life. Dont let him use you because his life is in chaos now. Thank you, Roxy84! You seem to put a lot of blame on her, but you do know that he was there too, right? I think that is a pretty bad guess with how this guys attitude is towards things, and how badley he wants nothing to do with the child. Dee S. Advocate I dont agree with it, but the beauty of being an American is we both get to have our views. April 11, 2012, 11:50 am. How the heck do you administer THAT?! How does your law make this fair? And if you arent ready for a child, then use a goddamn condom.. This is usually created by one person chasing harder or desiring the person more. They are all pointing out that the bf is equally responsible for the childs existence and should respect her right to choose.Not only that but they advise the LW to consider her bf role in this drama and not take her anger out on the pregnant woman (who owes her nothing), John Rohan By continuing to use this site, you agree to our updated Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Id confirm that shes actually pregnant Because guess what? No interest in fatherhood? He still has to pay. It would be nice if he said hed rather not have a kid, but he said that he is not happy that she is pregnant, and asked if she could abort. The kid isnt a rapist, the mother is. And now I couldnt imagine life without my husband, but Im pretty sure Id live through it (and have) if he werent around. She gets to decide whether she keeps the baby or not. You can have a relationship with someone with a child but you have to be ready for it. Because once the innocent kid is here, the fact that he/she was an accident does not mean he/she has less of a need for supportive, involved parents. Sue Jones Man is in quotes becuase no man abandons a woman that he impregnates. Email usyour questions for Dr. Sherry now and be sure to include Ask Dr. Sherry in the subject line. Whether or not the current laws are unfair to the man are irrelevant since this child has already been conceived. Yep. Whatever. pretty sure he is actually an extreme pro-lifer who is playing into his rhetoric backwards. Hes just not ready to start a family. thats why both parties should be concerned about preventing pregnancy because you have no idea what the other person is doing. He cant try and opt out of the rules that he knew he was playing by when he had sex with this woman. April 9, 2012, 1:10 pm. I wanted to punch my computer screen while reading this and was so afraid the comments would not say what you are saying. He didn't marry you. Your choice. His right to bang someone without protection could end badly and in this case it did. He could've at least waited a week after coming back! Its now you, the man, the other lady and a baby involved in this situation and as far as I can see thats too much people involved already. The only one who we know is expecting him to be a father is the letter writer. and its also appalling that he would order a woman to abort. Then, fine; but you need to consider the possibility of having to deal with this malarkey for the rest of the time you and your boyfriend are together. at risk of STDs. Turns out it wasnt even his kid (thats another story), but she showed up at his work, called him repeatedly in the middle of the night, and physically assaulted his friends girlfriend in a parking lot. And I called him out on condom use because truly that should be something we all think about when having non-monogamous sex EVEN if the woman is taking another form of birth control. Also, when you call people honey constantly or tell them to go read a lawbook(?) And should. She loved him back then but broke up with him over this but went back to him 20 years later thinking he grew up.2016. 12, 14, and 16 year old girls are statutorily raped, too, and their rapists? I am no worse for never knowing my biological father, who paid child support, and being raised alone by my mother. Then the day we got back from this amazing vacation, he broke up with me through email! You are upset that someone read browbeat into the word ask but you have no problem making up a whole conversation in your head in the same breath no less even though the LW was explicit. Is it fair to a kid to be born into a world where his dad abandons him? Now Im confused. Adoptive parents are as capable as any others of deciding that having a child isnt right for them, that they werent as prepared for it as they thought, and that the child isnt really theirs, and theyre as likely to have other major negative events in their lives as anyone. Only the woman did. His response to my comment was all dont tell me what to do with my body. He didnt marry you. I dont think a relationship with the other woman will work but at the same time Id run from a man who wants nothing to do with their own child. This gets to the basic conflict. I dont feel anyone should be forced to be a part of a childs life. 5. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. lets_be_honest If youre a man, your time to prevent having a child is when you have sex and decide how to protect yourself. Because one of the known outcomes is happening to him and hes pissed at someone else. Hed be out the door on you as well. female Well be together forever no matter what. is thrown around just to get in some dumb girls pants just as often as I wont get pregnant. is thrown around to trap ignorant dumbasses. Abortion is safe and legal, right? That isnt the case. What happens if you get pregnant? If her fiance adopted the child, then he is the legal father and she would go after him for Child Support. Continuing along the lines of what John Rohan said above (maybe way above, because Im at work and my reply will take some time to type surreptitiously): The LW and the guy broke up. Again, he has not opted out of the childs life. Is it 100% fair to men or women? Hi guyssssss,I wanted to share a storytime video with you guys since it has a lot to do with the reason I moved to LA and a lot to do with who I am today!Sid. So I have a pretty positive impression of my biological father. If he truly wants nothing to do with his child and is willing to pay his obligatory financial support, I dont think that makes him a scumbag, I think thats good foresight. It seems they are in a good place now, but I checked my mans texts and she still flirts with him and tries to get him back. Is anyone else eagerly anticipating the update to this one? As a woman, I have to take responsibility that any man I have sex with may very well walk away from me never to be heard from again leaving me with a child to raise alone. I have two young sons I dearly hope neither of them ever come across a woman as conniving as you appear to be. Senior year of high school, you turn to your boyfriend and say the words hes been dying to hear I think Im ready. He responds with Great, Im totally ready to be a dad anyway. Uh, no, were using protection. No, I know. Theyre eating each other alive, and theyre doing it up hill both ways, in three feet of snow, with no shoes on! Not a double standard at all. It's painful to witness when you're still in love with a person, but one of the most common reasons why a person would jump into a new relationship right after a breakup is to mask the pain of it all. Abandoning a child does. One is right next to me . April 9, 2012, 9:23 am. Briana DeJesus. And while not using a condom might not be the end all be all of crazy mistakes, he should have known better. You mean, he should decide whether or not he leaves a kid constantly yearning for attention theyll never get? Wrap it up or dont have sex, thats the only choice YOU have.. If you were having a good communication way with him before, you can found out that he got another girl pregnant before you were dating. And yet men still keep having sex with us. Your ilk will perish from a lack of procreation. My heart broke into a million pieces. I Got Another Girl Pregnant Prank *WE BROKE UP SIGH*Hylton's family vlog - https://youtu.be/pV11uGFaESsItz The Taylor's - https://youtu.be/8hVLcR1kvrsSUBSCRI. Thats why we never used condoms. Why is it that she gets to have his child and not you? No. Its like the universe is all conspiring against us! The fact that all this happened doesnt mean hes some despicable jackass. In a feature I call Your Turn, in which you, the readers, get to answer the question, Im presenting the following letter without commentary from me: I told him to stay with her and have this family as I dont want to be any cause for them breaking up, but he told me there was no way he was staying with her because he cant stand her. It doesnt make sense. bittergaymark But theres a huge amount of anger here over the fact that he didnt, even though theres no statement by the LW either way. Offset Changes Instagram Avatar to Takeoff Photo After His Death. That would be the end of any sort of relationship sex. Tough shit. Personally, it doesnt sound like shes trying to trap your untrappable boyfriend into a relationship YOU are trying to trap him, or get rid of him, by telling him he should stay with her because its his kid (and then you go around calling her (the mother of your BFs child) scoat and such very classy)! Id confirm that hes actually the father. Regardless, I again find a double standard in saying he must be scum to not want to be in the childs life but that opting to give a child up for adoption is a perfectly viable choice for a woman. troll label aside, we do get together monthly and burn ex-boyfriends in effigy so hes got us there. iseeshiny He says he told her hes not happy about this pregnancy and didnt want a baby and asked her to abort as he was 40 years old.