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Dont even putt. Jim Murray. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker. Their fore-fathers! I have been able to hope for the best, expect the worst, and take what comes along. It takes a lot of balls to play golf knowing you're a bad golfer. Fore-get Me Nots. What are a golfers favorite flowers? "Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off." Bruce Lansky 15 of 50 Scott Halleran/Getty Images "On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. Joey Adams, A well-hit golf shot is a feeling that goes up the shaft, right through your hands, and into your heart. G.K. Chesterton, I dont like to watch golf on television because I cant stand people who whisper. Intercourse! And only one secret has emerged, one swing of thought that always works. Noah who? Besides that, I love to explore. Instead of worrying about making a fool of yourself in front of a crowd of 4 or 40,000, forget about how your swing may look and concentrate instead on where you want the ball to go. Im a friend and all Im going to do is give it a nice little ride. Sam Snead, 35. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, Its golf balls., The blond looked at him compassionately and said: Oh you poor thing. He hauls off and whacks onebig hitter, the Lamalong, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. What is a golfers favorite bird? Or on top." "I have lovemaking with you a lot in my head." "Let's have a 'who's better in b3d' contest. Where is the best place to go on vacation? The greatest single lesson to be learned from golf is mental discipline. Louise Suggs, 51. I had a hole in nothing. Its good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. Mark Twain, the famous wordsmith who also said golf is a good walk spoiled. Sick of the same tired old golf puns and gags? A guy will spend 10 minutes trying to find his lost golf ball. And it's damn funny. With trust, it feels like you and your golf club are partners dancing as one. Keep your head down. Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, Right train, wrong ticket., The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, No sleeper cars on that train either, Best Dad Jokes - the Good, the Bad, the Terrible, Fun Game: Jokes and Riddles Conversation Starters. Two rounds a day are plenty. You are signed up for our newsletter! There is no such thing as a natural touch. I never prayed that I would make a putt. Trust is one of the most important qualities in the game of golf. Family Game: Do you really know your Family? People may find dirty jokes shocking or disgusting, but no one can deny they're funny as hell! The cat crawls out at night to smoke them and we are trying to get him to quit. 2. The smile looks really good on you. I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. Hey you better be able to laugh at yourself in this game, right? From the best players to ever pick up a club to past presidents of the United States, the game of golf is the great equalizer. If you think its hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. Jack Lemmon, a true comedian on and off the course. Whats the difference between a golf ball and a car? I give the ball some sweet talk. "Of course I do, my dear -- it was the day I sank that thirty-foot I promise to lick your balls clean and polish your shaft before and after each use during the upcoming golf season. "The most important shot in golf is the next one." - Ben Hogan "I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators." - Gerald R. Ford "The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie." - Mickey Mantle "To find a man's true character, play golf with him." - P.G. A good golfer has the determination to win and the patience to wait for the breaks. Gary Player, 53. Or under. I'm pretty good with my short putts. Required fields are marked *. -Bobby Jones Geoff Shackelford, Golf sits in that beautiful junction between perfection and frustration. Play golf. A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event. Man: "Well, that depends on how hard I kick him in the ass." A man got on a bus with both of his front pant pockets full of golf balls. Enjoy the game, enjoy these best golf jokes. There are no absolutes in golf. Whether you are watching or playing golf, everyone loves a good golf joke thats why weve rounded up these Funny Golfer Jokes that you and your friends can laugh about! Are you looking for some funny jokes? -Bob Hope Please sign up with your best email address. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice. We share them in our weekly newsletter. Jack Lemmon, There are many things you can successfully fake in businessbut a good golf swing isnt one of them. Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy, submissons by: az11107, jemallor, 21ob, dudedudester1, racke78, mcsheehy54, konczalangelia, fourq2. Share these images with quotes about funny golf with family, friends, mates, colleagues, and all your acquaintances. Youre too out-of-shape to play in the church softball league. You get bad breaks from good shots, good breaks from bad shots but you have to play where it lies. Bobby Jones, 23. Choose If there has been one fundamental reason for my success, this is it. Gene Sarazen, 22. Hold your 2-iron in the air, because not even God can hit a 2-iron. He also starred with the equally late and great Walter Matthau in one of my favorite movies, Grumpy Old Men. Its to move on. Funny Family Poems. The most important shot in golf is the next one. Ben Hogan, 56. Ben Hogan, To find a mans true character, play golf with him. After 18 holes I can barely walk. I've got some good news. H. G. Wells, The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. A large pine tree sits in front of his ball, directly between it and the green. The next pint in the clubhouse is on me! Paul Harvey, While playing golf today I hit two good balls. Beyond this, the comedian and violinist (an epic combination) made the above joke about golf. You're more beautiful than a hundred pink flamingos on a golf course. Therefore weve combined it together and compiled these hilarious Golf Jokes for Seniors that Im sure youll like. How about you be my caddy and wash my balls tonight? Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. Days when you just dont have it, you dont pack it in, you give it everything youve got. It's included here because of the hilarious mental image it evokes. I love the contrast between the agony of a golfer bleeding out and the ecstasy of a moment of creative genius. 1. Why did Tarzan spend so much time at the golf course? I like big putts and I cannot lie. A two-foot putt on the practice green doesnt spark many doubts. So we finish the 18th, and he's gonna stiff me. Why don't golfers in England work in the afternoon? And maybe thats why the highs were so high and the lows felt so low. Two, be your own person. Whats the difference between the g-spot and a golf ball? The most important shot in golf is the next one. Ben Hogan making a joke, we think, it was hard to tell with him. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions. Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?" happen again! Full Text: Thank you for still being my friend even though I only talk about my horse and I smell like a barn. Clubbing. All lip, no hole. What do you call a lion playing golf? What should you do if you're golfing near lightning? Required fields are marked *. Explore our collection of motivational and famous quotes by authors you know and love. James Murray, Enjoyment of golf, regardless of the level you play at, is primarily based on how closely you play to your level of ability. Why does the temperature on the course rise after a long tournament ends? If you dont take it seriously, its no fun, if you do, it breaks your heart. I have 10 sons, one more and I will have my own football team., To which the Mormon replies, You fellas aint got a clue. The pressure originates in yourself; it builds from doubts. I am a Musician. "I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.". Why do golfers carry a spare pair of golf shorts? Do you share these funny golf jokes? The worst club in my bag is my brain. Chris Perry, 42. "If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.". Success depends almost entirely on how effectively you learn to manage the games two ultimate adversaries: the course and yourself. Jack Nicklaus, 45. Jay Griffiths, Golf without mistakes is like watching haircuts. 3. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you. Dont even putt. Dean Martin, need we say more? I hope you like it rough because I don't replace my divots. We have a threesome, care to join us? The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often. Mar 14, 2021 - Find the best golf humor and cartoons on this board by www.GolfBallsUnlimited.com. When your golf cart capsizes. With this in mind, here are the 10 funniest golf quotes of all time. Henry Beard, If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you dont have to waste energy going back to pick it up. Use these pick up lines to your advantage in starting a chat with your guy or girl. Simpson, Most people play a fair game of golf If you watch them. Many of these expressions of life, result in taking the form of wishes, quotes, greetings, messages, and captions. 8. There are no time constraints, as there are in other sports. Which pro golfers can jump higher than the flag? Why are computers such naturally good golfers? Ben Hogan, I dont play golf to feel bad, I play bad golf, but I feel good. I hope you like it rough because I don't replace my divots. 20. "Golf is the closest game to the game we call life. Full Text: The Most Important Things In Life Aren't Things Features: Size: 7x36 inches Made from solid knotty pine Beveled edges Routed slot in back for hanging. Like a PGA Tour pro once said to his pro-am partners, youre not good enough to get angry. So dont even try it. If we . The difference in golf and government is that in golf you cant improve your lie. George Deukmejian waxing prophetic. Have fun. Consenting to these technologies will allow us to process data such as browsing behavior or unique IDs on this site. How do you "Tiger" proof a golf course? I give him the driver. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. Top Ten Golf Phrases That Sound Dirty But Aren't All Spiritual Signs & Inspirational Signs, TV Stands, Media Tables, & Media Furniture, The Most Important Things In Life Aren't Things. 47 Hilarious Quotes About Driving. Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night? 4. Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves let you do. Bruce Crampton, 63. 53+ Funny Quotes by Famous People 2023 (laugh-out-loud! After several minutes of pondering how to hit the shot, the old man says, You know, when I was your age, Id hit the ball right over that tree. With the challenge before him, the young man swings hard, hits the ball, watches it fly into the branches, rattle around, and land with a thud a foot from where it had started. Whats the easiest shot to make in golf? Joe Tessitore, The least thing upset him on the links. So, I'm on the first tee with him. Dirt your body. I play Bass. Short Golf Jokes & Puns 1. I bet that hurts a whole lot worse than tennis elbow?. 1. Always keep learning. The next minute youre hemorrhaging. It keeps you young. Patty Berg, 29. Because they might get a slice. In case he gets a hole in one. Diller's comment is a great take on a bit of traditional golf advice. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly or start cheating. Robert Fuller Murray, Be a mind beater-not a ball beater. Think the shot through in advance before you address the ball. Wodehouse, Golf is Not a great sport. but I can show you what is! On a golf course, nature is neutered. Jennifer Wyatt, Muscular freedom is probably more important in golf than in any other sport, but very few players take the trouble to get loosened up. How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb? A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Peter Jacobson, 33. If you don't take it seriously, it's no fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart." - Arthur Daley. Golf is more complicated than that. Colleen Ferrary Bader, Behold, my child, this touching scene, the golfer on the golfing-green / Pray mark his legs uncanny swing / The golf-walk is a gruesome thing! The harder you practice, the luckier you get. Gary Player, 32. And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." Because her coach was a pumpkin. Look at the size of his putter. But there is a difference between playing well and hitting the ball well. So I thought I should start a website about jokes. Andy who? We have compiled the best list of pick up lines with references to golf style, golf clubs, golf course, and various famous golf celebrity. Important advice: if you golf during the election, make sure you cast your absent-tee ballot! How can you tell which golfer is a womanizer? Damn, girl. Whos there? Lee Trevino, 59. Funny and dirty medical pick-up lines and doctor hook-up lines. These words carry the feeling for those you care about and those who care about you. Bring some friends, and we can play a foursome. A man without a woman is like a pistol without a trigger; it is the woman who makes the man go off. If you break 80, watch your business.". Wodehouse, The value of routine; trusting your swing. 23+ Revolutionary Sayings From Corrie Ten Boom | Free Hd Background Pictures Download, 52+ Knowledgeable Sayings On Cosmetologist | Free Hd Background Pictures Download, 43+ Motivating Sayings On Hungry | Free Hd Background Pictures Download, TOP 50 Inspirational Golf Quotes & Sayings | Download Images, 58+ Funny Tennis Quotes | Free Images & Pictures Download, TOP 50 Funny Sports Quotes | HD Images & Pictures Download. Sam Snead, Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. Many of them contain words and phrases that are unable to grace this slideshow. Golf Quotes About Life 22. What do you getll a blonde at the driving range? Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize, or laugh. Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. Paul Harvey calling every golfer out. Pretty is as pretty does. Harvey Penick, 61. I prayed that I would react well if I missed. Chi Chi Rodriguez, 44. I'm hoping to be a sore loser." Related: Best Ways On How To Flirt With A Guy Over Text? Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? If the point of golf is to hit the ball less, then do I win if I don't play at all? It can be rewarding. Nothing it should have ducked. Don Carter Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose. George B. Kirsch, Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf. I am Jimmy, clown at heart. Just in case they get a slice! Why dont grasshoppers play golf? now = new Date(); year = now.getYear(); My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip. Boo who? I once played a course that was so tough, I lost two balls in the ball washer! Knock, knock Discover and share Dirty Quotes For Women Golfers. If you can smoke and drink while youre doin it, its not a sport. Enjoy! I'm gonna pound you like I do these range balls. Ben Hogan, Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. Achieve more with each and every round you play. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it's always possible to get worse. Achieve more with each and every round you play.Go Premium to et full access to our most advanced on-course and improvement features. Golf Club Distance & Driving Distances for Women Golfers, Providing a Community & Womens Golf Resources, How to Build Consistency in Your Golf Game, Golf is Hard. if (year<1900) {year+=1900} document.write(year); Watch their eyes. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants. The three tried & true methods of improving your game are: practice, study the pros, and cheat your ass off. 6. Siegfried Sassoon, Golf is the infallible test. How about you bring two of your friends and we play a foursome? What do you call a blonde at a golf course? Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella to the golf course? Where do ghosts play golf in the afterlife? Golf is a puzzle without an answer. The great champions have all come back from defeat. Sam Snead. Golfs three ugliest words: Still your shot. Dave Marr, 36. Golf Skirts & Golf Skorts Stylish, Fun & Comfortable. Gerald Ford, If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out. Henry Beard, Like clubs inside my golf bag / each verse a different face / Some to drive straight down the course / others lift and then embrace. I have always had a drive that pushed me to try for perfection, and golf is a game that perfection stays just out of reach. Betsy Rawls, 12. Instead, here's a great clip of Chi Chi talking about ladies he sees golfing. What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Whats the shortest distance between the tee and the hole? Ive got some real trouble down here., Don comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: Whats the matter, John? Of course, after painting the Mona Lisa, you'll likely soon be back to bleeding. I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators. Gerald R. Ford, the 38th President of the United States and the first to admit a lack of talent on the links. I always said you have to be really smart or really dumb to play this game well. "The reason a pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.". My three keys to success: One, work hard. I'm known on the tour for having a lengthy club. After 18 holes I can barely walk. Features: Size: 3.5x10 inches Made from solid knotty pine Flat edges for shelf-sitting Full Text: And yet another day has passed and I did not use algebra once. Oh you only have a threesome, mind if I join? That means if you click and purchase, I may receive a small commission. These are results of some deep thoughts and observations from their lives and are like our lives because we are all human. no! Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls." Daphne du Maurier, With many twists and holes life is much like a golf game; without bats, you cannot Play. Youve got to loosen your girdle and really let the ball have it. Babe Didrikson Zaharias, 43. He always puts his driver in the wrong bag. You grind it out. Tiger Woods, 54. No, but I'm willing to screw in them. See photos about 15 very funny (and occasionally inappropriate) golf memes from Golf Digest Kurt Philip Behm, Golf is an ideal diversion but a ruinous disease. I'm a bit tired so how about we just play your backside tonight? the flag cant jump. I . Phyllis Diller, with her outrageous teased hair and housewife caricature stage persona, was a master of delivery and comedic timing. 8. Andrew Barton Paterson, A boss once told me, Colleen, its not about the meeting, its about the scotch after the meeting. The grass is clean, a lawn laundry that wipes away the mud, the insect, the bramble, nettle, and thistle, an Eezy-wipe lawn where nothing of life, dirty and glorious, remains. Dave Barry, If you drink, dont drive. The right place is right here with me, in my bed. Bobby Jones, Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today its open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. Your email address will not be published. She makes sure he practices having a stroke first to make sure he's handicapped when he meets a blond working at one. "There are two things you can do with your head down, play golf and pray." -Lee Trevino "Golf is my profession.